grey.

with much consideration I finally decided to write how I feel at this current state ;

I use to write a lot about how I feel and my deepest thoughts etc on this blog but due to the very judgemental world we live in right now, I try to refrain myself from doing so.

yeah I know I can always start an anonymous blog and blurt out my feelings and such but this is also my blog with my name and pictures and doings of my life ; some how the reasons of writing things like this is quite comforting cause I know someone out there feels the exact same way, and sharing what I go through might help.

theres never a written advice, or a rule book saying how one should live life.

its all by ones decisions and choices ; and learning how to avoid mistakes repeatedly.

regrets, worries, pain, dilemma, misunderstandings ; happens always.

x

I think I feel this way when i'm facing my exams or smth ; kinda sucks tho cause it screws with all my other emotions as well and it just adds up to the amount of stress I have already. 

I should prolly learn to deal with it .

& the worst part is I cant help to think about all the other things that I shouldnt be thinking about. I dont know about you but a part of me cant control all the thoughts from coming back and the other just wants them to, so I can feel even more hurt/sad/depressed. I really dont get it. 

I've promised myself over and over again not to.

But I did it anyway.

& I remember telling myself that I never want to go back to that situation , that it was all for the fun of it. But as things got more strict , i'm back at where I started. Like I said people have the power to make their own decisions and etc but why at times its so hard to give it up to give in? To avoid seeing someone you care for frm hurting themselve. Doesnt it hurt?

i'm not referring to anyone is specific , I have seen people go through this day by day & i'm talking about it in general.

I know how it feels when your heart gets broken , in any way possible. 

Sometimes you feel a sharp pain poking, well more like stabbing you right at your heart. Sometimes you feel like heart just fell into your tummy. Sometimes your heart just disappears.

that's how I feel when I see pictures or things I dont want to.

but I just couldnt help it ; maybe I enjoy hurting me even more. maybe i'm finding a reason to cry everything out so I dont feel anything anymore. 

"Some things are too painful to say out loud 

Well, they live behind a veil and see through a shroud 

Words fly through his mouth 

Like paper butterflies 

Well they flutter around and put holes in your side "

x